Congratulations! This was a beautiful essay. I read it in full even though I've been struggling to listen to people's accounts of their wedded bliss lately. I'm a gay man who has been striking out over and over for years (particularly on the apps) trying to find someone the way you two have found each other. I would love to know what hidden alchemy got you both to this happy place.
1. Be polarizing. Don't lead with your unattractive traits, but lead with traits that are highly tuned to attract one set of people and repel another. In the Tinder profile that led to my current relationship, I put "Ask me about anosognosia" because it's an obscure condition I love talking about, a ton of people used that in their opener, and I wound up with a neurologist. On my first or second date, I would check whether they were interested in having kids and whether they planned to stay in-state, both of which were firm deal-breakers for me (yes to kids, no to in-state).
2. Be polite and forward. I personally hate chatting with random people online. I typically would start a brief conversation stemming from something I found interesting about them, weave in a couple of compliments, see if they came off as normal and reasonable, then ask them to grab coffee or something within the first ten or so messages. If we got into an interesting conversation in that time, I'd keep it going, but my priority was always meeting them in person if they seemed interesting, because in-person interaction is simply more useful. There were a lot of conversations that never started or died almost immediately, but once it got to the point of asking them out, almost all said yes.
3. Be passionate (but not overbearing). It doesn't matter what you're passionate about, but make it clear that you are eager about something. People with clear passions that they're open about are interesting, reflect confidence, and encourage others to respond in kind. Your actual dating conversations should have plenty of give and take, but when you see openings to show or invite passion, do so.
Realistically, I can't say how helpful anything in this vein is, and I really do feel like I got incredibly lucky, but I wish you well in your search. Best of luck, and thanks for the kind words.
Thanks, I appreciate it. I will for sure give these some thought. I hear the phrase "I got lucky" a lot, and I don't doubt its veracity, but it makes me feel like luck is a much bigger part of it than I give it credit for. Which is tough, because I can't plan ahead to be lucky! And how on earth did >95% of my friends get "lucky" in the same way that I haven't?
Oh, shoot, I left that too ambiguous, didn’t I? He does microwave them first. He just likes eating a lot of vegetables, not still-frozen ones. Edited for clarity.
This is so beautifully written. I hope that, over the years, you come back and read it when you need a reminder of how beautifully your marriage began. <3
I don't know you much. But I must say that I found that essay very moving and I wish you the best on in both of your lifes, and on your life together !
Congratulations! This was a beautiful essay. I read it in full even though I've been struggling to listen to people's accounts of their wedded bliss lately. I'm a gay man who has been striking out over and over for years (particularly on the apps) trying to find someone the way you two have found each other. I would love to know what hidden alchemy got you both to this happy place.
I wish I could tell you. I feel like dating advice inevitably leans on cliche or non-representative experience, but here's some advice I gave back when my relationship with my now-husband was still fresh (source: https://old.reddit.com/r/TheMotte/comments/f853gu/smallscale_question_sunday_for_the_week_of/fir1apt/?context=999 ):
1. Be polarizing. Don't lead with your unattractive traits, but lead with traits that are highly tuned to attract one set of people and repel another. In the Tinder profile that led to my current relationship, I put "Ask me about anosognosia" because it's an obscure condition I love talking about, a ton of people used that in their opener, and I wound up with a neurologist. On my first or second date, I would check whether they were interested in having kids and whether they planned to stay in-state, both of which were firm deal-breakers for me (yes to kids, no to in-state).
2. Be polite and forward. I personally hate chatting with random people online. I typically would start a brief conversation stemming from something I found interesting about them, weave in a couple of compliments, see if they came off as normal and reasonable, then ask them to grab coffee or something within the first ten or so messages. If we got into an interesting conversation in that time, I'd keep it going, but my priority was always meeting them in person if they seemed interesting, because in-person interaction is simply more useful. There were a lot of conversations that never started or died almost immediately, but once it got to the point of asking them out, almost all said yes.
3. Be passionate (but not overbearing). It doesn't matter what you're passionate about, but make it clear that you are eager about something. People with clear passions that they're open about are interesting, reflect confidence, and encourage others to respond in kind. Your actual dating conversations should have plenty of give and take, but when you see openings to show or invite passion, do so.
Realistically, I can't say how helpful anything in this vein is, and I really do feel like I got incredibly lucky, but I wish you well in your search. Best of luck, and thanks for the kind words.
Thanks, I appreciate it. I will for sure give these some thought. I hear the phrase "I got lucky" a lot, and I don't doubt its veracity, but it makes me feel like luck is a much bigger part of it than I give it credit for. Which is tough, because I can't plan ahead to be lucky! And how on earth did >95% of my friends get "lucky" in the same way that I haven't?
I made it all the way to your vows before I started crying. A thousand congratulations!
Damn, now you owe me a whole box of tissues, Trace.
Congratulations - your husband sounds like an amazing guy! (Though as a life-long hater of vegetables, I'm a bit terrified).
Congratulations.
Congratulations!
The eating-frozen-vegetables thing sounds an awful lot like pica, BTW: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/9ZodFr54FtpLThHZh/experiential-pica
Oh, shoot, I left that too ambiguous, didn’t I? He does microwave them first. He just likes eating a lot of vegetables, not still-frozen ones. Edited for clarity.
This is so beautifully written. I hope that, over the years, you come back and read it when you need a reminder of how beautifully your marriage began. <3
I don't know you much. But I must say that I found that essay very moving and I wish you the best on in both of your lifes, and on your life together !